3 Sentences on Dead Love.

People go on loving for years and learn nothing. I once loved for 2 and could fill volumes with the things I found out. The realest thing I learned from love is that it must die sometimes--when it and you have no other choice. 

remember warmth

It happens so fast, even when machines keep you breathing beyond your allotted breaths. The moments race by and the tubes and wires and dripping morphine infiltrate and sedate cold flesh. The sci-fi scene obliterates romantic sentiments of death. This is no Marat. This is no General Wolfe. 

This is an uncle made mecha by modern medicine. This is an uncle that, just a week and half ago called you out of the blue to spend time with him in a provident moment of unknown finality. An uncle that spoke of the world, and the beauty of Mexico, and how he got lost in the chaos of Columbia when Pablo Escobar was killed, and how he crashed the wedding of a wine importer's daughter in England. 

And this is an uncle who also spoke of death in that final visit. An uncle who missed the already departed, but said he wasn't ready to go. 

And you are shocked because you think just because someone says they're not ready to go, they won't. Then you realize that none of it matters and you cling on to those last precious minutes together because that was your gift of closure. That was the end of your good memories. Because who wants to hold on to that pitiful hospital imagery? I cling to the warm words that conjured Cancun breezes and dolphin seas. I cling on with all that death has left in its cool swift grey wake.

Fall in Love with Pixels?

The totality of the internet's dominance is overwhelming. There seems to be a blog dedicated to just about everything. Well almost. And in the over saturated world of bloggers and platforms, people fall in love with pixels, become addicted to endless scrolling, to beautiful flesh and elusive dreams.

But why are we infatuated with things that often only exist on out computer screens? Or as a result of digital technology? As humans, we continuously seek happiness in its many forms, but is happiness really measured in the amount of likes you get on a post? The number of comments, shares, reblogs?

Why do we have such a fascination with the public documentation of our lives, e.g. the "pics or it didn't happen" mentality, which leads us to post pictures and posts about even the most mundane of our daily activities? Does it provide a sense of validation, or make it feel like we've accomplished something grander than it is? Why are we so into looking and and being looked at online? What happened to just living and having fun in the moment?

And why do we seem to get so much enjoyment from looking into the highly curated and subjective version of other people's lives? Does that pretty boy or girl you follow have something of importance to share, or are they just using their looks or material possessions to feel better about themselves when someone pays attention to them? In this day and age I'd say people champion swag over brains, style over substance. And I can't say I'm not guilty of feeling some of these things. But I've just been thinking about it more and have been seriously considering the consequences in getting too caught up in the fantasy world of the internet and social networking?

I fear negative repercussions of the disconnect from reality that the internet creates.  To me, the internet is the end of normal, human to human interaction, to letter writing, books, and all manner of print media, all the things that took time and thus had more value. What do we value these days? The outlook's pretty bleak.

On a brighter note, I'm listening Zapp and Roger's "Computer Love" as I'm writing this and they definitely predicted what would happen!

Needle

you are the needle stuck under my skin
tucked in with the tissue, left wayside of the sin
a stunning puncture wound to my ego
a little grimace mixed in with the grin

faithless

It was a stabbing by sugar hands
that handled all my insecurities
& the mixed up twist;
the vex of sexuality coming to a head 
in California beds
where I couldn't hold you in faith
now I think about it
if I really wanted it,
I would have felt differently
But I wasn't brave
I wanted you but not the fight so in a sad way
I'm glad you weren't mine
I didn't deserve you
I'm not sure if I would ever deserve you

antinous

in the seam of solitary deeds
the memory succeeds in the heart bleed
in the wake of exceeding structure
mixed up with the rough rough
pounding, hell hounding through the walls
let it fall, trickle thick down my thighs
an elusive high
-sigh

I cannot have you

like when you slipped
beyond my grip
and the myth rose up in roses
the grand apotheosis
and the lover left low
heavy with the dream of lead
a bone for the trigger, morning dove
left for dead


on the same streets I extract
in exact tones and breezes
the hair in face, whiplash brash
kiss tokens took at night
-the seizure
a thimble on your sill
a blood rush silent still
quietly quietly

numbing the spot for the needle
in a feeble limb
inject to eject
destroy to erect
a fence to keep my senses
from wandering to where you'd lay
for days and days and days
your body in for the deed
a finger on the mouth you'd tease
please
don't you leave me with the hollow
you're too hard to swallow

but gone
you are
gone
I cannot have you
and I cannot follow
I see your darkened hollow
blackened eye, hole in sky
heart swollen

a delicate demise

Rewind, Rewind

it draws a knot up in my stomach
when i think about the time
when you and i were restless,
but oh, darling you were mine

i don't care for complications
don't care that its cheap wine
i just want your constellations
even if the stars just intertwine

But I'd go back to you,
rewind, rewind, rewind,
past the void & static
to somewhere love was kind

I lost you when you were looking
tried to find you but you were gone
And I'm calling back to you now
cause I know where I went wrong

Got to that pit in my stomach
found the guts to concede
all the ways i hurt you
and you're exactly what I need

But I'd go back to you,
rewind, rewind, rewind,
past the void & static
to somewhere love was kind

the hallowed time in youth
when we were clueless
but hopeful and dreaming
in the face of ruthless time
but I'll keep on dreaming
if in my sleep I can call you mine

But I'd go back to you,
rewind, rewind, rewind,
past the void & static
to somewhere love was kind...
somewhere love was...